Michael Sperduto

Monday, November 17, 2008

the ocean is a live with the sounds of escape

Calla Lily

what words can say this instant
hello – may it dust off – eye lids gray
and this film is now wiped away – from
brown iris’s on white field

ivory – green stretches up to lips
that need not yield

awaiting softness

oh wet tender – new breath to enter in
as hand tumbles down to side
past calla lily lips
to travel - desert landscapes
slow against - sand dunes - the small of your back
flowing to the valley where your hair lies – awaking chaos
held – only in thoughts of where to begin
to encompass every inch of skin - with a thousand kisses
caressing every crevice and curve
sensing the tickle goose bumps - of hair standing on end
finger tip sensations - slippery - skate across navel down to knees
like that of ice cream in dreams

these motions over flowing emotions
again and again
short escapes of beautiful breathes
from - lips where ecstasy will lift

arching head tilting back
quick breath into laugh
in this moment nothing else exists
hands holding heaven
gazing into eyes glorified
a lover has never known
such exactness of warmth by their side

Joni Mitchell ( I'm breathing heavier)

Joni Mitchell ( I'm breathing heavier)

I wanna be unforgiven
and know my future is certain
like Joan of arc

I wanna be a crusader - a masquerader
but I'm just a conspirator - manipulator
contemplator - a master masturbator

like english Bob - the assassinator
a killer - a thief - a bank robber
just like De Niro in heat
I wouldn't be a cheat

and go off to Hawaii - where it's hot
never been there before but I like it a lot
clear my nostrils with steam from that pot
my love tied in a not

to be is the question
I wanna be Shakespeare
and grow a beard
like Rueben Blades - and sing on stage with Lou Reed
and fuck Nico

or to be the cop out on the tiles
not to have piles - like Carrington - a teddy bear

bald but lucky to be alive though
and Dylan oh Dylan - can I say more
I wanna be Rueben Carter on the run - a hurricane - refugee
begging down on my knees
but I don't want to keep score

I wanna be prostrate - a prostitute - a hooker - a call girl
in a dirty subway stall - scraping the glass out of my feet
I'm die hard can you feel the beat
feel the beat of a funky drummer
a cymbal a symbol
I wanna be religious - religion - to get back to it
like a crucifix

I wanna be Ty Cobb a racist pig
be John Henry Malcolm X and Kennedy
and "die on a sunny day"
feel like some Jesus and Mary chain
hear that train - dance in the rain - yeah

I wanna be Gene Kelly - Fred Astaire
I want the world to care
have my obituary on the front page
with mourner's pictures inside
oh Diane - oh Diane

oh to be king and queen - to be oh so mean
and what about going on and on four Miles - on a Coltrane
I wanna be Charlie Parker
and fly off the handle like notes - into smoke filled heroin halls
the roaring soaring 20's 30's 40's 50's 60's 70's 80's 90's
are we all zero's in the year 2000

I wanna be a doctor - and have a god complex
cause I need a fix - I'm going down
you see mother superior she left town
left me to flex - my intuition
an invasion - wanna be the green man
a Rosewell Smurf - a Woody Woodpecker - Willie Wonka

all the sexual overtones - undertones of the Brady Bunch
be the perfect family on TV
the Leave it to Beaver
I'm breathing heavier
hi ho hi ho - it's off to work I go
to a go-go dancer's delight
refuse - defuse - feel confused - about who I'm supposed to be
can I have another hero please
a Superman - super duper new and improved plan

well he yo mud our comprehension

I wanna be a super model
stay in the shower all day
yeah I'm a pervert - need to convert
but I'm no introvert

oh - classification - multiplication
this is all way to complicated - need that education

I wanna be a revolutionary - mind bender - think tank ender - friendship blender
I wanna be sorry - and ask for forgiveness - but again I wanna be unforgiven

like that Jerry Spinger show
still entertainment though
and fuck the rain king - I wanna be the snow king
so I can cancel school - be the super pretend I did
so I can make the rules - break the rules - yes this my rouse

I wanna have the right to choose - have power mad blues
and be the freedom man

I wanna be a woman - so I can be multi orgasmic
but I'd have to give them to myself

I wanna be understanding - but still standing
in standing room only - I wanna sulk
in knee deep water - wanna be shallow
find someone to fly off with - like a swallow
into that blue night sky air - I'm breathing heavier

I wanna be skinny - got the skinny - get a skinned knee
but I'm fat - wanna be phat - imagine that
I wanna be alone - only when I want too
I need a girlfriend - a friend - but not A. Friend or so the story goes

I wanna be in rows - like Twain - Dickens and Salinger
all rolled into one - so roll up for the flop - pancake breakfast
two for one shop till you drop - motto of our day
I got to get paid

I wanna get up and get into it - get involved
say I'm black and I'm proud - in a cold sweat
yell out mother popcorn - please please please
I wanna be bewildered - and go crazy
Cause – baby you’re right - I don't mind being the prisoner of love - tonight

I wanna be Flo and say kiss my grits
in a man's world - I'll be a super bad sex machine
and I'll keep talking loud and saying nothing

about greed - cause greed is good
wanna be Michael Douglas in the Wall Street hood
and meet De vito - so we can dance and sing
all about our Da Feet Toes - lime item vetos

be a soccer player for primal scream - and let out some steam
wanna yell out goal!

I wanna be bad - wanna be good - wanna be Harry Hood
be a cartoon Colombo - move to Columbia - join a drug cartel
get on Miami Vice - wear a white jacket
go collect the insane - like bubble gum cards
ain't I a card - bored stiff are you

time to laugh it up
be Bugs Bunny - Daffy Duck
Barry Manilow - Boris Karlof - the Mummy - be scary
say careful with that axe Eugene -
Tommy can you hear me - Tommy Tommy Tom Waits
I wanna be a Pinball Wizard - Gandolf - lug wrench
I wanna be a wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
and Estimated Profit

write a movie - Titanic sounds good
T2 - sequels suck - exception to the rules
what about me I'm stuck in the tree
cat house - hot tin roof - rusted - B52 - UB40 - 9 - #9 - #9 - blew my mind

I wanna be Edgar Allen Poe - and pole vault my success
underground - above ground - sound as a pound
yeah - baby spice - I wanna throw up - regurgitate some more
make this go on like a bad attempt at Desolation - road to nowhere – Burning Down the House - paint is a chip of the old block by block - reach pier 62

I wanna be Syd - Syd hopes to trip his life away
Syd hopes to work in the market place someday

why is there a market place in my father's house
home is a home
be a door to door salesman
selling how to burn books
only on video - for 3 easy lifetime - payments - of a $1.95 plus - $669.99 shipping and handling the remote like its gold dust woman

I wanna be a joke that everyone forgets the punch line to
do another line you fool - your nose is bleeding

then there's no one left to be
I wanna be me - but I can't - there's to much at risk
I wanna be Joni Mitchell's guitar strings
I wanna sing

Recovered babblings at 1 AM

Recovered babblings at 1 AM

Hello of sorts.
This is me.
Can you hear me?
understand me or will you accept me?
I ask this of you
this is my communion
I am your priest your lover your hater.
Do you know me?
you pass by me like a child running

I long for you
and no this is not just a love thing
This is a cry for help
more of a yell
late at night when it’s safe

Self pity, seems like old hat to me
I throw it on the fire
I need it to keep warm
warmth like a sheet no a blanket
it protects me
It is my soldier
this a mirror
a reflection of nothing but what was
A new beginning that will constantly start again
I am a star dimmer and the brightest one

Look around you quickly then suddenly stop
feel the dizziness as it surrounds you

This the merry go round
Note the word merry as it disappears
In that childhood distance
As we place it on the highest self
Now we keep it hidden
On display in a vacant store house
Our mind has lost it's map and
As dust settles on our sub conscious
The merry goes round and round

The feeling at this movement is tranquil
and I press the keys down hard
with authority
for I am not afraid
The words resonate in the night
As I think of you

How beautiful you are
the ugliest one is now so wonderful
Why?
Belief?
These words are mesmerizing
The world is de moralizing
Things at one o'clock I'm realizing

I start again for I can
Look around you
this time slow and breathe
always remember to breathe
now did you see that
so slow graceful like a dancer on wet grass
this a spider my entertainment

I ask again is pain beautiful
for it makes you feel
Close yourself off for an instant
Nothing can enter
nothing can touch you
do you feel safe?
Are you alone?
Do you hate yourself?
Do you love yourself?
What about that person next to you
or in the next room the next
They are beautiful
they are there for you
touch them
engulf their energy.
Give them yours
share.

What am I receiving this negative?
I hate negative energy,
and that word
it’s like no
or I can’t
You are wrong
you can
you should.

The love is in sight
the truth is in you.
Locate it.
Touch it.
Grab hold and don’t let go.
You are in love with yourself
now you are in love
feel the air go inside and out
it is whole
it makes you whole.
Like a God.
We are everything
the beginning the middle and the end
we are the truth
we create the myth
We will conquer
become one with the universe
we will thieve on each other.

Hello it is me again are you still there?

Sometimes I lose my place
and get to excited
and forget the pace
this is for you as much as for me
I will tell you something
I love you.
you know it
soft and corny eyed
as we become
hard shells our walls get to thick
sometimes we forget

Condemn me
if you must
push me away
if you must
call me weak
hate me
you can fear me
I will still love
I will bombard you with this
You can never understand me
Even as we are one we are truth we are hope.

there is hope
a faith we cannot fully comprehend
there is a whole
we must put the pieces together
Do not shut out the world
do not wallow in your despair
SCREAMS SCReams Screams screams
do not conquer yourself with hatred
do not close yourself off.
Answer with a affirming yes
and then touch me.
Say you love me
I need it as much as blood or breath
I need to know
I am loved
I need to know
I am whole
I need to know
I am.

Look around you again and scream life.
Exude it like a light
Enter me like a rain drop into a puddle
Accept me and embrace me.
Do not control me
affirm me like a teacher
and yes teach me all you know.
Carry me over the wet ground
but let me experience the water
Let me hurt
but not for to long.
I need experience
but pain is a drug
as I snap crack and power pop
I'll open up for the world to see
And have my naked truth dances through the crowd at rush hour
I am not worried that it will segregate me from the heard.
the heard is never heard.

Grab my hand and let us flow together,
Like a child into loving arms after a bad dream
Dropped ice cream
let me in and keep me warm.
Listen. Now into dream

It's real like glass
see through and go through.
It is me
it is here for you to take up and
share
I am whole when you give to me
You are distant
because I am alone
when you are right in front of me.
Enter me
conquer me
and we will breath.
And we will begin

BREATHE!

Run and dance
through the heat of winter
the cold of summer
enjoy the leaf like it is a poem
for it is.
Enjoy this solitude like a poem
for it is.
I miss the company
I miss the smell of you

So badly do I want to be bad

So badly do I want to be bad

I want so badly to be bad

Why am I so soft
To be evil – apathy
But I sit back pathetic
I sit back easy
Watching – observing

But to be the beast
To rise - and take the feast
To let the fire burn
Watching the lemmings burn

To be the thief in the night
And not to worry
If what I did was right

Yet I’m left
Holding thorns – squeezing tight
Love and honesty – the constant fight
Honor loyalty – the flickering light

Like the moth trying to evolve
Wrapped in others lies
I can see it in your eyes
Thinking I believed you
I do think I tried
But constantly whipped by the cat o’nine
While dancing for you
I’m the puppet the pantomime

So badly do I want to be bad
To be the heartless one laughing
Rolling in the illusion of happiness

How badly do I want to be bad
Giving up on this delusion
This destiny this fate
Cancel it out
Snake eyes – crossed out
Lay the pennies on them
Take the last nail – sink it in
I will disappear – never to be seen again

Just fuck – I wanna be bad

Tired of rolling over – being a bitch
I’m feeling for a wound
Something to dig in
My fingers fingering – I’ve got a sudden itch

I’ll tear out the scars - I’ll drive off in my car
Screaming songs on the radio
Letting tears wash away – all the unused sins
Renounce the fears and begin

Enter Into the Luxury of My Escape

Enter Into the Luxury of My Escape

I think about running – about jumping – about fleeing the scene – everyone’s here yet I feel so mean

I begin my exit – and enter into the luxury of my own escape

can’t handle the social – I feel anti social – so sorry so - as I leave – I’m fiending a rescue – never realized how much I needed you

until the other night - and again tonight – never felt so alone – rolling over in this blanket of snow – smoldering questions – smothering answers - with sleep

this glass of wine is so dry so – and tears begin to water these eyes – waiting for tomorrow’s Thanksgiving pies – with gram cracker crust

how I think now of what I must – and go about another day – and miss the way it used to be – so easy so – and how I felt free

been to long – since I could just lounge – with no thoughts cluttering my head

and I can’t lie – oh I gotta lay down – my fake smile turned upside inside out mirror reflects a frown

I think about those eyes - the happiness inside – and what must I do – how can I be with you

take you into my dreams – as eyes widen to shut – take you to the beach and a wicker hut – Jamaican sun – living life – that’s what I think about

the pulse of breath – the time to rest

a calm thought

I think about the blue sky yellow sun – and the master piece – the artist and their guns

so quickly these colors escape the pallet

I think about you somewhere else – with someone else – and the pounding beats of rain – are raveling in my pain – and these words release my name – my face

Secrets are heard in this enchanted case – and no judge or jury would set free someone as guilty as me

I think about holding you at night – sometimes - it’s the only way to make everything feel alright

I think about holding fierce and holding my own – I think about your voice on the phone - the feeling of you being close – the sensations of air when you pass by

I think about the chance I missed – when on that fateful night – I jumped ship – ran to the corner store – bought a ticket for the bus

I shouldn’t have missed you that much

I think about the flicker of your touch

and about the instant when your gone these moments last to long

the fleeting essence of your scent – as it hovers in air – so intense so – that all other memories disappears - and any sign of a smile feels to weird

I think about how I miss you – and how I hear you in every song

Break 1-17-01

Break

I arrived – wonderfully crafted – but still under construction - the bewilderment of my own perplexity – with words rolling off tongue – the soul train – of a funkadelic maggot brain

Streaming over – a seam of consciousness – entombed in the frisk for another womb and landing at the party – a celebration for a wizard fink – toying with the gears of a clock – causing these thoughts to stop

And while one does blink – think or take another drink – gripping on tightly – to conceal – emotions in a – highly susceptible – highly flammable – highly votile box of – some after dinner mint – wild on – e – coyote ugly – acne – party – explosives ready to blow pop – wam bam – this is all just wool over your eyes – it’s all just another sham

A weak link – the missing link – a nod and a wink – brushing up next to – meekness the wallflower – the so slow solo dancer – movin’ up on ya – saying let me get next to ya – come on let the idea fester – it’ll warm up to ya – and all this starts – is the rethinking – yeah this boat might be sinkin’ – due to this lack of determination lack of motivation – maybe causing my own extinction – allowing agony to check back in – to quench thy thirst at the house of mirth – with pithy phonics spiraling down the drain - a sink hole – witness – of the dilemma of words – and which one first – as I sit to rehearse – another verse – debating whether or not to end this
with a hearse – riding off into the sunset

I need a break from all these words – running to the delta of note book lines – need to unwind – take a load off – just kick it – flip it around a bit – breath a sigh of relief

But just like the drug – this pen keeps calling back to me – like a disease – devising ways to kill it’s enemies

I need a break – need to relax – stop and not think – about reanalyzing manipulatyzing – and revising – all the digitizing pictures in memory – a flashing slide show – in a hall of mirrors – it’s all dissecting me – bright fragments of dimming Christmas lights – broken little pixels – of chemical models of molecules

I need a break – a side step away – away from this parchment – away from this ink this blood – this wine – but this prose is filtering – sand and mercury – funneling sifting through the fingers of father time’s hands – yes time my old nemesis and friend – back by popular demand – you my super hero – my super ego – E=MC2 comic relief – as you laugh at me this I do belief – you are the posser of the key – to the map – holding responsibilities with only cap. – and I’m waiting to see which of you turns your back

oh and god - money – I’ll do anything for you - but first let me wash the green stains from underneath the fingernails of blame – and corrow back in shame

I need a break – up – of any kind – of releationship – a woman to cry to – a woman to say hi to – a woman to say goodbye to – and hold throughout the night – to wake in morning light – in a placid bliss – a paradise that cannot purely exist – as I hold my cat – and linger my easy early morning gaze – across a quilted landscape – into folds and ripples – as wrinkled memories of sleep fade away – into de ja vu and day dreams – to have picnics in the park and snow – with the Easter bunny – the tooth faerie – and Santa Claus – somewhere where it’s safe after dark – and the hopeless romantic is set free – allowed to confess such beauty by his side – instead of keeping it all well hid on the inside – I’m starting to divide – derail from the train ride should let these emotions subside – and give in to these chains – from the man of constant sorrow – who let me borrow – until the morrow – and tomorrow tomorrow - tomorrow – and with all these tomorrows I still don’t know who I’m supposed to be

I need a break – maybe rob a bank – steal all the locks – and keep ‘em all in a safe hiding place – next to a jack-in-the-box – a furry lox – and some red and white striped socks – underneath which – I keep my fix – no and’s if’s or but’s – just a box of bics – no lies – no tricks – speaking only truth – prick my finger and let prose flow – with the ignorant innocent freedom of youth – corrupted only by what these blind eyes – are forced to see – forced to believe – fighting off all the propaganda and paranoia of our cartoon society

I need a break from the complexity of the simplicity – of what these crying eyes have seen – over an ocean of opportunities – that have passed by me – off into the stretch of some Hollywood horizon – sky – which taught me to be or not to be – or – not to be or to be – you see – this all gets way to confusing – need to side step away – and spend some time with me

I need a break – a vacation – it seems I should have enjoyed my time off before - before the shit hit the fan – before I became a man – and got distracted – need to get away from all these distractions – oh how I wish – I had just a fraction – of my childhood time I spent – wishing to be older – but I guess the genie misunderstood what I meant - oh to know then – what I only know now – and not to have to scream in solitude – why or how

I need a break – maybe sit next to a lake – throwing bread to the ducks and fish – the fire blazing in midnight heat – cool cool heat – a loud night to remind me to enjoy the silence – maybe I need to reach out and touch faith – like a danger mouse getting away with the cheese – on the run another adventure please – maybe climb a mountain or just a tree – or move incognito overseas – learn how to speak French Spanish Italian, Japanese or Lebanese – find a different culture to live in – to study in – or maybe go space flying with some monkeys – and get stuck in a banana tree or swing from a star – and carry moonbeams home in a jar
I need a break – a day off from even breathing – so my whole body and mind could relax – a day the government couldn’t tax – only my soul would be revived - soaking up all the energy it would need to – jive – strive – and survive – a day where I don’t day dream or do anything at all

Break up down

Break up down

find I'm always on the run - expanding - explosion - the doors are flying open - shut slamming

I'm degrading you - mocking you - and kicking you - while your down - till the back stab - the let down

oh yes they will let you down

Dependency - despondent - fill in dependent - to public reaction - my minds in traction

I'm a bitch - snapping - up this mega phone - podium - by causing this pandemonium

I've been let down - to long - it's time to get up - and get knocked down again

It's getting dark underneath this foot

So I'm gonna start a revolution for one - take up my own flag and burn it down again - have my own baptism - then condemn myself - to the infinite paper cut

Can’t waste no more time - and I weigh every thought of you - and I know so much more - then you think - that you think - but if you did - did you stop to think

I feel the pressure of a new fuse - a new maze to get through - and I'm coming back swinging - arms flying

I thought I'd need you like a fix

I was wrong